How to Escape After a Terrible Hookup

Before you go punishing yourself for sleeping with a 2/10 or someone who has a loose grasp on proper make-out techniques, know that you are not alone in your both second and first-hand embarrassment. Everyone has hooked up with a creature that they would otherwise hesitate to classify as human. Unless you are immune to beer goggles or have lived in a nunnery since birth, you have found yourself in bed panting and immediately filled with regret. And, I hate to break it to you, but you’ll probably find yourself there again.

Which is why I have compiled a list of tips on how to escape a terrible one night stand with moderate stealth and minimal carnage.

1. Leave Immediately

As soon as you pretend to finish (because letís be real you probably are gonna have to fake it to get it over with) get the hell out of there. I donít care how badly your partner wants to pillow talk or how badly you want to pretend to fall asleep to avoid talking to them, GET OUT.

Make any excuse to get out before youíre convinced to spend the night. As far as youíre concerned you have work, have a lot of reading to catch up on, need to feed your dog or your fish or your cat, and you have to go to a funeral first thing in the morning.

Whatever you do DO NOT fall asleep. Call an Uber, gather your things, call the driver, and get in that car as soon as possible.

2. You failed and fell asleep. Escape silently in the A.M.

Firstly, you suck. You violated rule number one of one night stands. I’m disappointed.

Secondly, you need to move!

If they’re still asleep move silently and quickly. I donít care that you’re slowly feeling the hangover grow in intensity, you better keep that puke down until you’re out of the house and in a taxi. The last thing you want to do is get stuck in this human-garbage-fire’s house with a hangover. Get to safety.
Do not even think about waking them up to say goodbye just get out.

You failed yet and woke them up. Make Excuses and Run.

You are now in a code red situation. Hopefully this 2/10 is just as appalled as you are and theyíre rushing you out. But letís be real, if theyíre that terrible in bed they’ll probably be trying to cling. Try not to be rude, but politely make strong excuses and get out of there while you can.

Do not let them drive you. Sure, it might seem polite but it’s likely to be an excuse to hang out with you in the daylight. Don’t take that chance and run. Don’t even wait for your Lyft, just get outside and start walking. Have a car pick you up at the nearest Starbucks so you can promptly make your escape and start work on curing your hangover.

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